Waiting For Your Return...

Every day is a struggle... I mean, I can't even go 24 hours without writing something to you Ash. Every day I unconsciously wait for your return. Your return from a tennis trip, softball trip or tournament, just waiting. But also knowing that you'll never come back. 

I wish this had never happened to you. And I'll say that the rest of my life. I feel like a part of me has died... There is emptiness. There is a void that will never be filled. I can only think of the dark and sad things about your absence and death. But with posting this publicly, people don't need to read my exact thoughts... 

I just don't have the arms I need to hold me anymore... because those left right before you died. Left me alone to face this world and to face your death. I feel so abandoned right now. But how can I ask him to take the time to deal with my depression and sadness when this time of year is supposed to be filled with happiness and love? 

So everyday, I will just fight the torment and grief alone. I wish the thoughts and words inside my head could go away, but I feel like if that were to happen; you would go away too Ash. And I can't even begin to imagine what that would be like. I just can't do this. It's too hard. I don't wish this pain on anyone... ever. 

There are no words for anything else right now. 

Forever Waiting Your Return...