"Ashley Ilene Hansen"

One month to the day and about an hour, since you left us here on earth. It still doesn't feel real. How could you leave this earth before me?? I'm supposed to be there for you, to greet you as your big sister, to show you the way. To take your hand and lead you as I have before.

I can only hope, that you felt no pain. Everyone "says" that you didn't. But they don't really know. No one does. No one will ever know. It's just what they are "supposed" to say; to comfort you. What comfort is there knowing that your baby sister died alone. At the age of 18?! How the hell is that comforting??

Life is hard. Living with this pain is agonizing. Death is easy. Dying would be so much easier than living every day without you here. But, we don't get that out. That brings on a whole other argument, conversation, disagreement... whatever you want to call it. But until someone feels this pain, they don't know or understand.

Everyone says it will get better. But does it really? How do they even know? People say that you shouldn't ask "the" questions...

• Why not me?
• Why her?
• Why now? "She had everything going for her"...

And so on and so forth...

This last month, I have felt almost every emotion possible... except happiness.. This freaking roller-coaster of absolute hell: 

• Sorrow
• Guilt
• Anger
• Depression
• Numbness
• Agonizing pain

And of course the list goes on... but then you get in these mind sets where your brain doesn't work.

And also, you have to put on a facade. But if you do it too long, people start to think you're heartless because you aren't crying ever f**king second of every day. Because, you're trying to remember what normal is, what life is, what it means especially without you here. 

But I'm trying Ash. I know you would want me to try, to be strong, fearless, and courageous. To put a smile on and continue living life, graduating from school, finding a job. I will continue to do this. Because I know you're here with me. Guiding me and leading me through life. Somehow you figured life out before the rest of us and earned your ticket, gained your wings to heaven. I know you're there with Grandpa and Burton, and Grandma Toni. Please don't ever leave me though. I need you. I need you to keep leading the way.

Every where I go, I know you'll be there.

You are my sun, the moon and the stars.

I love you Ash.