Stay With Me
Last night, I wasn't able to really sleep. I kept having thoughts and dreams of you Ash. I don't know if you were trying to tell me something or if it was just a bad night's sleep. But I would take many sleepless nights to be able to have you with me.
Every day is unknown. Unknown of what I am doing and unknown of how well it may or may not go. I try to remind myself that Every Day Matters. But there are moments when I sit back and remember that day I was told you were gone, that are so overwhelmingly sad and depressing. I constantly have to find pick-me-ups just to get through the day.
There are some days that I wish I didn't have to be strong. Whether it is for me, for my sisters or for my family. I just want someone to hold me and let me cry on their shoulder. Sunday I was able to cry, but I was alone and didn't have anyone to hold me and comfort me... That's probably the feeling that I miss the most right now. I don't even need someone who understands what I am going through, but someone who understands the pain and the hurt. I don't need words of comfort or condolences, just arms around me that make me feel safe.
Numbness is the feeling that I have the most. And that doesn't really seem like the best word choice either. Lost and numb. That's probably the best explanation of what life is like right now. I wish it was okay to cry every day...
I stopped by Ashley's accident site tonight and left 3 red roses there for her. And in that moment, I was the only one there, there was complete silence and stillness. It was so peaceful and calming. And I had a very warm feeling overcome me, while I was standing on the side of the road with snow flurries around me. I felt like she was with me. She was watching over me and she was there. I continued driving to Roosevelt and had turned the heater off, but it was still putting out warm air... However, there was just the slightest coolness next to me in the passenger seat. Believe what you want, or don't believe at all. But I know that Ash was with me. She was next to me in my car. And she stayed with me the rest of the drive.
I know some people are scared/terrified/uncertain of spirits here on earth. But now that I have a guardian angel looking over me, I want to welcome Ashley's spirit any time I can. I'm not scared of her. I asked her to stay with me while driving the rest of the way home. I had just spent the last 3 hours on the road coming from Salt Lake, and it wasn't the prettiest drive and actually kind of scary. I felt very comforted to think she was with me.
I don't know when this dream will actually feel like reality. But it still doesn't feel real. I'm not sure that it ever will.
All I can hope, is that Ash will stay with Me.
Every day is unknown. Unknown of what I am doing and unknown of how well it may or may not go. I try to remind myself that Every Day Matters. But there are moments when I sit back and remember that day I was told you were gone, that are so overwhelmingly sad and depressing. I constantly have to find pick-me-ups just to get through the day.
There are some days that I wish I didn't have to be strong. Whether it is for me, for my sisters or for my family. I just want someone to hold me and let me cry on their shoulder. Sunday I was able to cry, but I was alone and didn't have anyone to hold me and comfort me... That's probably the feeling that I miss the most right now. I don't even need someone who understands what I am going through, but someone who understands the pain and the hurt. I don't need words of comfort or condolences, just arms around me that make me feel safe.
Numbness is the feeling that I have the most. And that doesn't really seem like the best word choice either. Lost and numb. That's probably the best explanation of what life is like right now. I wish it was okay to cry every day...
I stopped by Ashley's accident site tonight and left 3 red roses there for her. And in that moment, I was the only one there, there was complete silence and stillness. It was so peaceful and calming. And I had a very warm feeling overcome me, while I was standing on the side of the road with snow flurries around me. I felt like she was with me. She was watching over me and she was there. I continued driving to Roosevelt and had turned the heater off, but it was still putting out warm air... However, there was just the slightest coolness next to me in the passenger seat. Believe what you want, or don't believe at all. But I know that Ash was with me. She was next to me in my car. And she stayed with me the rest of the drive.
I don't know when this dream will actually feel like reality. But it still doesn't feel real. I'm not sure that it ever will.
All I can hope, is that Ash will stay with Me.
Comments