Disbelief
Well Ash, officially, according to the time; it is Christmas. So, Merry Christmas sweet girl!
Christmas Eve was off to a good start. We baked, we laughed, made snow angels and we opened presents. That's when it got tough. Because once I knew it would have been your turn, you weren't there... I had to walk out of the room. I couldn't handle the pressure or the sadness that overcame me, but I couldn't face it alone. I had to call Shantelle. I had to run. Run away from family and friends because I'm so scared of being judged and misunderstood...
"Why is Brittany crying, again?"
"Where did Brittany go?"
"Shouldn't she be over this already?"
This is probably not even true to what people would say or think... But, it's what I am scared of anyway.
And so, this is how it goes. We try to make it through every day; going about our business, talking, laughing, baking, cooking, shopping... until there comes a moment that you should be here. Which brings us to the endless circle of hell and misery...
I was finally able to come up with a word that describes how I feel Ash, and disbelief is the only thing that I can tell people what/how I am feeling/doing. Definition: inability or refusal to accept that something is true or real.
This explains it perfectly. I wouldn't necessarily say refusal... because I know you're gone. I saw you in your casket... Physically you are not here anymore. But still, disbelief and shock. It's been 1 month, 12 days since you were killed.
There I said it. Killed. You were killed. By accident of course. But why try to sugar-coat everything? You didn't just "leave", you weren't "taken"... you were killed in a head on collision with a semi truck. The driver didn't even have time to react... "Killed on impact" they said...
So, this is reality. The gruesome reality of my sister's death. Death: the action or fact of dying or being killed...
Our family is strong. And there are a lot of us. But, it's amazing how we can be in a room full of people and after talking and realizing you aren't here... there is complete silence and no one knows what to say. We are left speechless. Everyone is hurting from this. And we each express it in our own ways. The bond and connection that we all have now is incredible. Without even saying anything, they know that we are struggling with your death Ash.
So where does this leave us? Christmas morning. I will be spending it with only half my family. My dad is hundreds of miles away working, I have 2 sisters in Connecticut, step-siblings hours away and my angel Ashley in Heaven...
And we are supposed to make it through. What does this even mean though?? It isn't going to change from day to day. You're still going to be gone. This isn't an illusion. The cold hard reality is that you are gone Ash. Of course you know this though...
It's 2 a.m on a Friday. Early Christmas morning. I hope you get to celebrate Ash.
Celebrate... that word doesn't fit into all of this. I hope you get to... remember what Christmas would/should have been.
I hope you have been able to see all that we have done for you. The tree, the lights, the wreath, the stocking (and stocking stuffers), and of course the snow angel I made for you.
I love you Ashley. I miss you more than I could ever write or say in words. My heart aches for your sassy, fiery, offensive attitude. I long to see your smile and bright shining eyes. Merry Christmas baby sister. I hope you're not alone.
Christmas Eve was off to a good start. We baked, we laughed, made snow angels and we opened presents. That's when it got tough. Because once I knew it would have been your turn, you weren't there... I had to walk out of the room. I couldn't handle the pressure or the sadness that overcame me, but I couldn't face it alone. I had to call Shantelle. I had to run. Run away from family and friends because I'm so scared of being judged and misunderstood...
"Why is Brittany crying, again?"
"Where did Brittany go?"
"Shouldn't she be over this already?"
This is probably not even true to what people would say or think... But, it's what I am scared of anyway.
And so, this is how it goes. We try to make it through every day; going about our business, talking, laughing, baking, cooking, shopping... until there comes a moment that you should be here. Which brings us to the endless circle of hell and misery...
I was finally able to come up with a word that describes how I feel Ash, and disbelief is the only thing that I can tell people what/how I am feeling/doing. Definition: inability or refusal to accept that something is true or real.
This explains it perfectly. I wouldn't necessarily say refusal... because I know you're gone. I saw you in your casket... Physically you are not here anymore. But still, disbelief and shock. It's been 1 month, 12 days since you were killed.
There I said it. Killed. You were killed. By accident of course. But why try to sugar-coat everything? You didn't just "leave", you weren't "taken"... you were killed in a head on collision with a semi truck. The driver didn't even have time to react... "Killed on impact" they said...
So, this is reality. The gruesome reality of my sister's death. Death: the action or fact of dying or being killed...
Our family is strong. And there are a lot of us. But, it's amazing how we can be in a room full of people and after talking and realizing you aren't here... there is complete silence and no one knows what to say. We are left speechless. Everyone is hurting from this. And we each express it in our own ways. The bond and connection that we all have now is incredible. Without even saying anything, they know that we are struggling with your death Ash.
So where does this leave us? Christmas morning. I will be spending it with only half my family. My dad is hundreds of miles away working, I have 2 sisters in Connecticut, step-siblings hours away and my angel Ashley in Heaven...
And we are supposed to make it through. What does this even mean though?? It isn't going to change from day to day. You're still going to be gone. This isn't an illusion. The cold hard reality is that you are gone Ash. Of course you know this though...
It's 2 a.m on a Friday. Early Christmas morning. I hope you get to celebrate Ash.
Celebrate... that word doesn't fit into all of this. I hope you get to... remember what Christmas would/should have been.
I hope you have been able to see all that we have done for you. The tree, the lights, the wreath, the stocking (and stocking stuffers), and of course the snow angel I made for you.
I love you Ashley. I miss you more than I could ever write or say in words. My heart aches for your sassy, fiery, offensive attitude. I long to see your smile and bright shining eyes. Merry Christmas baby sister. I hope you're not alone.
Comments