"See You Again"

My last day with You

The last few days have been good. I have been spending time with friends, going to the movies, going out to dinner; living, laughing and enjoying myself. I even got brave the other day and took my resume to a potential employer.

But again, anytime there is down time and complete silence; I turn to you. It is so hard not to be bitter. I have been better at not allowing that emotion to show, but it does come once in a while. My biggest hatred, regret, anger, goes to the fact that I didn't get to say goodbye.

It had been 2 days since the last time we talked on the phone, and 6 days when we were together swinging on the swings and talking about what we were doing with our lives. We talked about boys, college, jobs, tattoos... The normal things sisters talk about... And then you were gone.

The morning I got THE call that you didn't make it... it was one of the most unexplainable and horrific mornings I will ever live. I had only gotten 3 hours of sleep because I stayed out late... and by that time you were already gone and everyone was waiting to call me. I relive this morning daily. And it kills me.

When Dad was telling me what happened, I was in disbelief and in shock. I was wailing. Crying harder than I had ever cried in my life. My heart was broken. I felt like an animal... these sounds that were escaping me were not mine, not human. What the hell was going on??? There was no way that Dad was talking about you Ash, I had just talked to you 2 days ago... How could this be?! The immediate pain that I felt was so overcoming, I couldn't bring myself to breathe or even stand upright for that matter. And yet I had to force myself to hold it together long enough to shower and get ready for the 2 1/2 hour drive to Roosevelt... 2 1/2 excruciating hours of driving to face the wholeness of this event. The truth.

This all just feels like a bad dream. I miss you so much Ash.

Words can't even come close to explain all the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I experience from day to day.

It's just not fair. This life is not fair.

Death happens all around us. There have been so many accidents that have happened before and after christmas and now I can say that I know what these other families are feeling and what they are going through. And knowing that we aren't the only ones who struggle makes the real struggle easier to bare. Because there are others around us and throughout this world that are experiencing all these feelings I talk about.

When it comes down to it... we are not alone.

Even when it does feel like we are.

And I think the past couple days I have been able to find better ways to cope with this, but there is always a hint of guilt that I am not grieving the way some people might expect me to. Guilt will always be there I think, along with disbelief, regret and anger. But you have the choice of whether or not those emotions take control.

It's okay to feel this way. But, I have learned that you also have to keep living. It gets hard. Don't get me wrong, and when that time comes; there will be wailing and gnashing of teeth... at least that's what it feels like when you are fighting your own emotions...Fighting your own demons within...braving the war of emotions that is waging inside your own head. 

However, we have the choice of how much these emotions have control over us.

I just know deep down, I will see you again. I'm not sure in what aspect or feature... but I will get to see you again.

One day.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgKAFK5djSk