Graduation Day?
The cold hard truth is... You're gone. You are gone. Physically You are no longer here with me.
Today is Graduation Ash. And You aren't here. You won't be sitting next to me, and You won't be there to celebrate when they call my name tonight. We all knew this was coming. The heartache of you not being here for life's celebrations, holidays... and so on. But it isn't until the day comes that we get that little reminder... Ash won't be there.
I was told that today/tonight needed to be about me. That's just silly though. I can't think of me. I can't put myself first. I never have. I don't know how. I'm you're big sister. I am supposed to be there for you, in everything you do. First breakup, Junior Prom, Tennis and Softball tournaments, Your high school graduation, marriage, first baby... I am supposed to be there for you! But you don't get any of these things... At least not graduation, marriage and children. You won't get these. Why?! Who decided that for you to not get these experiences was ok?!
This is what I get to think about every day for the rest of my life. These things that I get and you don't. And I'm expected to be happy about it and joyful. Which, in the end I think I will be. But don't think that I won't feel some kind of guilt, pain, sorrow... Because you aren't here. To even celebrate this for me, let alone experience it for yourself.
Everyone keeps telling us, that you are here. That You will be at Graduation tonight... There is no doubt that I know you want to be, that you might get to sneak away and at least watch from afar. At least this is my hope. But you still aren't here...
I try not to be mad. angry. upset. But for 18 years I have always tried to do everything I can for you and Shantelle and Kayla. Put you first. Make sure you were ok. Make you feel included, even though it was always a pain to bring my little sisters with me to my friends houses. But I don't have regrets. Where are those friends today? Sure, a few of them are around and we keep in contact.
But it's not the same. A sister's bond, friendship and love can't even compare to that of a friend. Often times we have friends that are as close as sisters. But it still isn't the same. You are biologically tied to me. We share a bond and love that is unbreakable. No distance could ever become between us. You are the only person who can know what I am feeling. Know the pain, suffering, guilt, anger, sorrow, hatred that I have.
Numbness. This is all I feel. Some events, can mask it. But it's still there. The laugh that escapes doesn't feel like mine. The smile that forces it's way isn't genuine. It's all just a facade. That's why we're human right. We know how to play the game. To act as we are supposed to. To say those things that are expected to be said...
I just wish you were here. To hold your hand one more time, to hug you, to laugh with you, to cry with you. One more time.
I need you. I need you like I have never needed anything more in my life. You are my light. My hope.
Today is Graduation Ash. And You aren't here. You won't be sitting next to me, and You won't be there to celebrate when they call my name tonight. We all knew this was coming. The heartache of you not being here for life's celebrations, holidays... and so on. But it isn't until the day comes that we get that little reminder... Ash won't be there.
I was told that today/tonight needed to be about me. That's just silly though. I can't think of me. I can't put myself first. I never have. I don't know how. I'm you're big sister. I am supposed to be there for you, in everything you do. First breakup, Junior Prom, Tennis and Softball tournaments, Your high school graduation, marriage, first baby... I am supposed to be there for you! But you don't get any of these things... At least not graduation, marriage and children. You won't get these. Why?! Who decided that for you to not get these experiences was ok?!
This is what I get to think about every day for the rest of my life. These things that I get and you don't. And I'm expected to be happy about it and joyful. Which, in the end I think I will be. But don't think that I won't feel some kind of guilt, pain, sorrow... Because you aren't here. To even celebrate this for me, let alone experience it for yourself.
Everyone keeps telling us, that you are here. That You will be at Graduation tonight... There is no doubt that I know you want to be, that you might get to sneak away and at least watch from afar. At least this is my hope. But you still aren't here...
I try not to be mad. angry. upset. But for 18 years I have always tried to do everything I can for you and Shantelle and Kayla. Put you first. Make sure you were ok. Make you feel included, even though it was always a pain to bring my little sisters with me to my friends houses. But I don't have regrets. Where are those friends today? Sure, a few of them are around and we keep in contact.
But it's not the same. A sister's bond, friendship and love can't even compare to that of a friend. Often times we have friends that are as close as sisters. But it still isn't the same. You are biologically tied to me. We share a bond and love that is unbreakable. No distance could ever become between us. You are the only person who can know what I am feeling. Know the pain, suffering, guilt, anger, sorrow, hatred that I have.
Numbness. This is all I feel. Some events, can mask it. But it's still there. The laugh that escapes doesn't feel like mine. The smile that forces it's way isn't genuine. It's all just a facade. That's why we're human right. We know how to play the game. To act as we are supposed to. To say those things that are expected to be said...
I just wish you were here. To hold your hand one more time, to hug you, to laugh with you, to cry with you. One more time.
I need you. I need you like I have never needed anything more in my life. You are my light. My hope.
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