Life? No, This is Surviving
What is the meaning of life?
What does it mean to live?
It's hard to say that I am currently living life. No, this is survival. Surviving death. I am surviving the death of my sister. I have lost the feeling of living. It's covered in a blanket of darkness, depression and anger.
Today, I could officially say that I was depressed. How did I come to this conclusion? I didn't participate in my regular routine and I didn't address my human needs. No deodorant, no makeup, didn't even comb my hair. My family is lucky I even decided to put a bra on today. I had no emotion today... except: numbness.
I just obtained my degree as a Physical Therapist Assistant. I know my classmates have been celebrating and are excited to be done, and are off to find careers. Not me. I did nothing today. I did nothing to celebrate. Except eating dinner of course with my family. Which was our way of celebrating. I can't be excited. I can't feel joy. I can't celebrate. If I try, I feel guilt. Guilt that you aren't here Ash.
I am broken. My family is slowly falling apart. We aren't human. There is no life in us. We are in survival mode.
What is this hell?
Who knew one person's existence could make such an impact? Our hearts are empty. I forget what it means to love and be loved. How do I accept that again? How do I do I tell my heart and brain that it is ok? How can I trust again? Trust life, trust people around me, trust me?
I feel like I'm losing you Ash. Losing memories, losing the feeling of your love, losing everything... And it's only been a month. I can't forget you.
I am grasping at everything I can to remember you. Learn who you were. Try to see the world through your eyes. Your eyes. Your bright and shining brown eyes. Your hair. Your curly, golden hair. Your smile. Your bright and happy smile. Your sarcasm, your sassiness...
Where are you Ash? Can't you see that we need you? Everyone is falling apart. I can't do this on my own. I can't save us. I can't even save me.
Teach us how to live... Again. Remind us how to love, how to be happy, how to genuinely smile.
What does it mean to live?
It's hard to say that I am currently living life. No, this is survival. Surviving death. I am surviving the death of my sister. I have lost the feeling of living. It's covered in a blanket of darkness, depression and anger.
Today, I could officially say that I was depressed. How did I come to this conclusion? I didn't participate in my regular routine and I didn't address my human needs. No deodorant, no makeup, didn't even comb my hair. My family is lucky I even decided to put a bra on today. I had no emotion today... except: numbness.
I just obtained my degree as a Physical Therapist Assistant. I know my classmates have been celebrating and are excited to be done, and are off to find careers. Not me. I did nothing today. I did nothing to celebrate. Except eating dinner of course with my family. Which was our way of celebrating. I can't be excited. I can't feel joy. I can't celebrate. If I try, I feel guilt. Guilt that you aren't here Ash.
I am broken. My family is slowly falling apart. We aren't human. There is no life in us. We are in survival mode.
What is this hell?
Who knew one person's existence could make such an impact? Our hearts are empty. I forget what it means to love and be loved. How do I accept that again? How do I do I tell my heart and brain that it is ok? How can I trust again? Trust life, trust people around me, trust me?
I feel like I'm losing you Ash. Losing memories, losing the feeling of your love, losing everything... And it's only been a month. I can't forget you.
I am grasping at everything I can to remember you. Learn who you were. Try to see the world through your eyes. Your eyes. Your bright and shining brown eyes. Your hair. Your curly, golden hair. Your smile. Your bright and happy smile. Your sarcasm, your sassiness...
Where are you Ash? Can't you see that we need you? Everyone is falling apart. I can't do this on my own. I can't save us. I can't even save me.
Teach us how to live... Again. Remind us how to love, how to be happy, how to genuinely smile.
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