To the Woman Who Gave Birth to Me and My Five Sisters...

I've never had close to a normal life. And most people don't, we all have hardships and dysfunction in our lives. Sometimes it is by choice... and sometimes it's choices that are made for us... such as, from our parents.

I don't really remember there being much happiness between my parents while growing up. I remember a lot of fighting and arguing and being woken up in the late hours of the night. 

I remember screaming and yelling, hitting and pushing. Waking up to all the lights being on in the house. And also being told that my dad was leaving us again...

As well as the cops showing up on a monthly basis because the neighbors called in a domestic violence dispute. 

You're probably wondering why I'm writing this... Well, I figured this is the one last chance I have to get through to the woman who calls me daughter. 

So, Here we go:

Remember that one time when I was five years old and you had woken us all up and brought your daughters outside and said, "Look girls there goes your dad... leaving us again"

Remember that time that you made Dad take us on all on the truck while he was working because you thought that he was cheating on you? So Shantelle and I had to sit on the truck all day in our pajamas...

There was another time where we were on our way home from price and once again you started accusing dad of something and I decided to choose to stay with you and we walked several miles back home because you refused to get back in the car with dad...

Remember what a great example you were to us while we were kids? 

Like that one time I put a used cigarette butt in my mouth because that's what I had seen you do... 

Or that time when I was 6 or 7 and you gave me a drink of your wine cooler because you had taken us to a party?

Or the multiple times that you burned us with your cigarette ashes that had dropped on our skin?

At the time, this is what I thought a mother was supposed to be like. 

Constantly accusing my father with cheating, screaming and yelling at him because you were high on drugs and he was doing everything he could to save your marriage. And the times that we had to stay at grandma and grandpa's house because both of you were in jail.

Oh, there is that time that you were staying with your drug addicted friends and DCFS came and took us away from you and put us in foster care. 

Why they even gave you custody of us in the first place will always be a wonder to me...

I could go on. I could make you feel more guilty. I could say things that would make you feel like a worthless human being... But I won't, because I'm not like you.

So, Thank you... 

Thank you for showing me how not to be a mother.

Thank you for showing me how not to be a wife.

Thank you for making your mistakes so that I can learn from them and live a more successful life than you. 

Over the years I have always wanted a mom. To have someone to go to for advice about life and boys. To have a friend to go shopping with and to teach me how to be a woman. I didn't get that until about 11 years ago. Dad finally met someone who he thought would be able to help teach his 4 daughters how to be young women. And she has done an amazing job. I couldn't have asked for a better example of how to be a woman and a wife and a friend. 

This is a thank you to my step-siblings, for sharing your mother with me, for letting her show me how to be a woman. I know it hasn't been the easiest 11 years for us, but I think we've made it pretty good so far. 

To the unknowing reader: I apologize to you. This is my life. Yeah, it's been sad. Yeah it's been hard. But, I have never given up. We don't get to choose the cards we're dealt. But we do get to choose how to play the game. 

I have become a successful woman and have graduated college and started working my career. I have done everything on my own. It hasn't been easy, but I know what it takes to become successful. This doesn't mean that I don't struggle though. 

Thanks to the woman who I should call mom... I have trust issues because of all the lies I have heard you tell and what I've seen you do to your relationships. I have commitment issues. I have psychological problems because of your manipulations to your friends, family and even to me. 

But, what makes me different from you is that I can recognize these things. I can prevent problems from happening because I can see the signs. I can learn to trust, to love and to be honest. I have been raised to be a strong young woman... and you don't get to take credit for that because you haven't been here. 

I could go on. There are 24 years of emotions that I have bottled up, but there isn't a reason to say more. This is just a letter to you. To show you what you have done. Because apparently, losing your daughter to the state of Utah when she was 3 days old wasn't enough for you, or having one of your daughters' foster your youngest because you were in and out of jail for 9 months, or even losing a daughter in a fatal car accident. Don't you see...You've lost everything. Because you still use and abuse those addictions that started before I was born. And you still tell yourself that it is always someone else's fault. 

I'm sorry this is hurtful. But maybe, just maybe you will wake the fuck up and realize what you have done.