Who Am I?
Last Saturday I found myself completely and utterly alone... Literally.
I thought I would be fine. I had just returned home with Kayla from a couple days spent in Orem with some friends, dyed my hair, went on a blind date, went on a double date and had a good time.
I was watching some Netflix and had decided to take a bath to relax before sitting down to study. It was the prime time! I was alone without distractions. Well, as soon as I started to relax... my mind just started racing and without a moment's notice; the water works came.
And they came.
I wasn't just crying, I was reliving those moments of hearing my dad tell me over the phone that Ashley was killed in a head on collision, I was reliving the moment of breaking up with my boyfriend and best friend over the phone. And I was alone. I felt so hopeless. I was distraught. I couldn't breathe and I was alone.
Out of nowhere, my step mom text me; "I love you". That's all it said. And once again, the tears came. What confusing emotions to have all at once. Knowing that you are loved by many but in the moment you are completely and utterly alone.
I'm not sure if anyone reads these posts. I don't even know why I continue to write these. I guess it's a way to get out my feelings when there really isn't anyone who cares enough to listen. No one around me knows how to deal with the feelings of Ash being gone, or the feeling of breaking up with who you thought was your future husband and soulmate. So therefore, it goes unspoken. And I am left with all of these thoughts and feelings in my head, while still trying to continue to be sane.
After the bout of crying, I just looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "Who Am I?" These are the words that came to mind:
I thought I would be fine. I had just returned home with Kayla from a couple days spent in Orem with some friends, dyed my hair, went on a blind date, went on a double date and had a good time.
I was watching some Netflix and had decided to take a bath to relax before sitting down to study. It was the prime time! I was alone without distractions. Well, as soon as I started to relax... my mind just started racing and without a moment's notice; the water works came.
And they came.
I wasn't just crying, I was reliving those moments of hearing my dad tell me over the phone that Ashley was killed in a head on collision, I was reliving the moment of breaking up with my boyfriend and best friend over the phone. And I was alone. I felt so hopeless. I was distraught. I couldn't breathe and I was alone.
Out of nowhere, my step mom text me; "I love you". That's all it said. And once again, the tears came. What confusing emotions to have all at once. Knowing that you are loved by many but in the moment you are completely and utterly alone.
I'm not sure if anyone reads these posts. I don't even know why I continue to write these. I guess it's a way to get out my feelings when there really isn't anyone who cares enough to listen. No one around me knows how to deal with the feelings of Ash being gone, or the feeling of breaking up with who you thought was your future husband and soulmate. So therefore, it goes unspoken. And I am left with all of these thoughts and feelings in my head, while still trying to continue to be sane.
After the bout of crying, I just looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "Who Am I?" These are the words that came to mind:
- Sister
- Daughter
- Friend
- Aunt
- Niece
- Cousin
- Granddaughter
- Ex-Girlfriend
So what does this all mean? If you think of your family that may fill these roles, what comes to mind? For me it means... A huge f**king responsibility! Really though. And the biggest one... SISTER.
For the life of me, I still can't figure this one out. I have been a big sister since I was 6 months old. I am now 24. That's a long time! And yet, every day I feel like I fail at it. Shantelle is Connecticut with Kiona, Kayla is here, Ashley (deceased) in heaven, and Kaylee in Price.
I try so hard to be a big sister. To be there when you need a friend, to be someone to go to when you are down or have questions. Someone to look up to. Someone to lead the way. And I just can't figure out how to be the right big sister for each sister. They all need me in different ways. How? I have no freakin idea.
When I try to be there, sometimes I feel like it is never good enough. Or, the sister I am trying to be there for... won't let me. So, that's when I look to Ash. What would Ash do? What would She say?
Well for beginners...
- She would jump on you and tackle you even if you had to pee after driving for 2 1/2 hours
- She would hug you until it became annoying
- She would not stop talking until she knew that she had your attention, and then she would continue talking
- She would give you advice on all of your boyfriend problems... when having a boyfriend was one of the last things on her list to have
Ash knew what to say, when to say it and how to say it. She loved everyone so deeply and cared for everyone around her.
I try to be like her. To have a heart like hers. But lately, it just turns bad.
I know I shouldn't question... but why her? Why did the one person who understood everyone have to leave so soon?
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