I am not "fine"
I lie when I say I'm fine, good, okay...
I'm not really.
I am not fine.
Every day is a struggle and it will continue to be this way forever.
I miss my little sister, I miss the man that used to be my boyfriend.
My life has turned completely upside down and I don't know how to fix it.
I don't know how to live in this upside down world. I can't even be around friends anymore without pretending that I am happy to be there. Pretending to be happy, to be alive, to be fine.
So, I choose to stay away. Choose to be home and not drive anywhere that is longer than a 30 minute drive. I have been wanting to get away and visit friends and family in Salt Lake. But it wasn't until last week that I realized I am terrified of driving. I had to drive halfway to Heber City and it was terrifying. Driving! Really?!
It scares me to death to drive, especially when it requires me to pass Ashley's accident site. To relive what she went through and to not feel a twinge of guilt every time I pass by is heartbreaking. So, there you go. I am not fine.
I am broken. I am damaged. I am not normal.
And I avoid situations, avoid people and avoid traveling.
And right now, I am okay with this.
I have a lot of healing to do. Emotionally, mentally, and physically. And no one can help me with this.
This is something that I have to do for myself. I don't need anyone to tell me they understand what I'm going through. Because they don't. Some may be able to relate in one way or another. But essentially we're not the same. You may understand the situation and therefore one may think they know. But they don't.
And that's ok. I don't mean to offend anyone but it's ok. You can't help me.
I will figure this out. It will take time. But I will figure this out. This is my life. I am living my life and no one else's. I am doing things for me and I am going to be selfish about it.
I have a lot of anger. And when that anger builds up. I cry. And, I don't need reassurance. I don't want to talk. And that's ok. Some nights I cry myself to sleep... and you know what, that's ok.
There is no time limit of when I have to be fine. I will go at my own pace. This is going to take months and even years to figure out. And I'm ok with that.
I am strong. I am independent. I am a survivor. And I don't give up.
But right now, I am not fine.
And that's ok.
I'm not really.
I am not fine.
Every day is a struggle and it will continue to be this way forever.
I miss my little sister, I miss the man that used to be my boyfriend.
My life has turned completely upside down and I don't know how to fix it.
I don't know how to live in this upside down world. I can't even be around friends anymore without pretending that I am happy to be there. Pretending to be happy, to be alive, to be fine.
So, I choose to stay away. Choose to be home and not drive anywhere that is longer than a 30 minute drive. I have been wanting to get away and visit friends and family in Salt Lake. But it wasn't until last week that I realized I am terrified of driving. I had to drive halfway to Heber City and it was terrifying. Driving! Really?!
It scares me to death to drive, especially when it requires me to pass Ashley's accident site. To relive what she went through and to not feel a twinge of guilt every time I pass by is heartbreaking. So, there you go. I am not fine.
I am broken. I am damaged. I am not normal.
And I avoid situations, avoid people and avoid traveling.
And right now, I am okay with this.
I have a lot of healing to do. Emotionally, mentally, and physically. And no one can help me with this.
This is something that I have to do for myself. I don't need anyone to tell me they understand what I'm going through. Because they don't. Some may be able to relate in one way or another. But essentially we're not the same. You may understand the situation and therefore one may think they know. But they don't.
And that's ok. I don't mean to offend anyone but it's ok. You can't help me.
I will figure this out. It will take time. But I will figure this out. This is my life. I am living my life and no one else's. I am doing things for me and I am going to be selfish about it.
I have a lot of anger. And when that anger builds up. I cry. And, I don't need reassurance. I don't want to talk. And that's ok. Some nights I cry myself to sleep... and you know what, that's ok.
There is no time limit of when I have to be fine. I will go at my own pace. This is going to take months and even years to figure out. And I'm ok with that.
I am strong. I am independent. I am a survivor. And I don't give up.
But right now, I am not fine.
And that's ok.
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