Just Listen

I was told by a good friend that I should continue to write... I've had a few family members who also really enjoy my writing... So I guess I write on.
There are times where I feel like I am just venting to an invisible audience, but I guess there are a few people who religiously read my blogs. Lately, I've tried to keep them positive and optimistic. Which I think is a reflection of how I am currently handling life. (I say currently... because it often changes without notice.)

Two days ago marked 10 months since Ashley's accident. I've lived almost a year without her physical presence.

During the first couple months after her accident... I thought that it would never be possible to live without her. I was in agony almost daily. My heart was literally breaking into a million pieces. The thought of waking up the next morning to relive the reality of her death was terrifying, painful and utterly destructing... that might not make sense... but I felt like I was drowning, spiraling into a darkness that I would never get out of.

It wasn't until I started going back to church that I was able to start to feel some comfort and peace.

Now, I'm still not very active in the church... I really like to play on the weekends. But that doesn't mean that I don't believe in the things that are taught.

Sharing this experience was a difficult decision to make...


Recently, I went on a trip to Idaho to do some climbing with my step brother and some friends. Our second day of climbing had started out really good and the weather was perfect; not too hot and not too cold. By the end of the day our friend offered to show us how to place trad gear; which is little different type of climbing that we had previously been doing. We rappelled the route together learning how the different pieces of gear would fit in some spots and not in others and how to tell if it was a good placement. After some frustrating rope management, we reached the ground and were going to take turns climbing the route to get the hang of the gear, as well as just to have fun.

Well, when it came to my turn to climb; I was a little nervous and unsure if I really wanted to do this. After some prodding and convincing I decided to gear up and start the climb. However, in the back of my mind the entire time; I kept getting this feeling that I shouldn't do this climb. I just didn't feel good about it. But I was pushed to do it. And that's what we climbers do... we push each other to be better, to climb better and to have fun. So I continued trying to do this route. Within 10 minutes of trying to figure out how to climb, I was in tears. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was having an internal war with myself and my will to continue climbing was being over come by something else.

This is probably the last picture of all us together

This was one of the first times that I had to give up. There was no pushing through this. I was having a complete melt down and didn't understand why.

Crazy enough, within 10 or so minutes of me giving up and the next climber starting to climb... A storm was rolling in and there was lightning.

Now, who's to say that it wasn't just coincidence or a higher power... but this was a pretty HUMONGOUS sign that we shouldn't be climbing.

After talking to our friend and later on my sister, she told me that that feeling was the Holy Ghost and the spirit. I had a difficult time recognizing this because I haven't really been in tune with it ever... But I believe that I have a guardian Angel constantly watching over me and that is Ash. I also believe that I have been able to open my heart up to these possibilities which has provided me this ability to be more in tune with my beliefs and be able to act upon them.

I try to be careful with how I write things due to different opinions and beliefs.

This is just my interpretation of my experiences and how they have affected my life.

This moment was very difficult for me and I was overcome with a lot of emotions and trying to understand the situation. Since my nieces' mission farewell... There have been smaller situations such as this one where I have had feelings and thoughts overcome me, I think that this is the lovely circle of Faith and Hope which allows me to feel the spirit more than I ever have in my life.

It makes me really happy and I feel at peace; especially with Ashley's absence.

I miss her like crazy and my memories of her are constantly clouding my thoughts on a daily basis. It still doesn't feel like 10 months. I feel like the last time I saw her was just yesterday; swinging on the swings and talking about college and tattoos.

I am thankful for the bond I have with all my sisters and am grateful that I will get to see Ashley again. My heart aches every day to know that she isn't physically here. I have to fight back the thoughts of her not going to college, getting married or having kids.

Thanks to Faith and Hope, I know that everything will be ok.

I love you Silly Girl!!!