Hoping You'll Forgive Me.

One of the hardest parts about losing you: is not being able to tell you exciting things about my life, or frustrating things. For almost a year, it was just you and I at home. Shantelle and Kiona were in Connecticut and Kayla was serving an LDS mission in Spokane. So really the only person that I had to talk to in person was you. 

Can I just say that you saved me? Rescued me from one of the worst break-ups that I've had. You were here for me, and somehow you knew exactly what to say although you're my little sister. Being with you made it better. You were on my side and you made me feel like I deserved so much more! 

I love this about you Ash. You always knew what to say to make people feel better, you always made everyone feel loved and accepted. 

I miss our talks. Although, a lot of the time you were so damn busy with sports and kicking ass at everything you did; that our talks were short and sweet. 

I often think back at our lives and how I was as a big sister. And every day I hope to God that I was what you needed and wanted me to be. I know I'm a hardass... and I pushed you and the other girls to be better. And sometimes, maybe it was too much. I wonder if it's because we never had a mother figure... I just hope that if I was too tough... that you can forgive me. Unfortunately growing up can suck with the sibling rivalry and fights... 

I hope I made up for it. It breaks my heart thinking of all the stupid things that happened. And how mean I probably was, because now; I can't say sorry.  So please forgive me. 

I have so much that I want to tell you! Any time something happens I pick up my phone to call Shantelle, then Kayla, and then.... you. And that's where it ends. All I get now, are memories of you. 18 years of memories. It's not enough. 

I remember any time you had something exciting to say... You would try to interrupt every conversation that was going on because you couldn't contain your excitement. I miss that so much! I would do anything to let you interrupt my conversations again, tackle me to the ground with your hugs, and sit on Tinder making fun of some of the guys that we came across. 

It's been a while since I've written to You. Obviously you can't open up my blog and read it, you'd probably think I was ridiculous anyway. 

I want so bad to hear your opinionated remarks and statements. I miss your sarcasm, offensiveness, and demeaning attitude. Only you could get away with saying what was on your mind and not give a damn what anyone thought. 

Oh and I'm slightly pissed and feeling a little left out by the way... I wish you would show me that you're here with me like you do with other people. It's not really fair. Maybe you think that I'm stronger and don't need the reassurance... but once in a while it would be nice. Just saying. 

I'm needing a little inspiration for my next tattoo... It's gonna be for you. In your memory. So, if you're feeling obliged at all, I need some ideas. It's gotta be great and unforgettable. Just like you ;)

I'm so grateful that I was able to spend the weekends with you that I did before your accident. I hate living without you. It doesn't feel right. I try not to feel guilt, but sometimes it's hard. For some reason, I'm living and you're not. I owe you a concert... I should have never taken that trip to Missouri... I am so sorry and that is not something I can forgive myself for. I will never choose a man over my family ever again. 

I miss you every second of every day. You made a huge impact on the people around you and I know that you will never be forgotten by anyone that knew you. 

 Pictures in luau since I'll be going to CT in 11 Days.