The Never Ending Cycle
It's getting to the point that I can't even look at pictures of Ashley anymore.
All I feel is heartache, sadness, anger, and guilt.
Every time I look at one of her pictures, I feel like I need to rip my heart out because living without her is too much to handle at times. As well as I don't deserve to be here... She does. I hate that I have this feeling, it makes me feel like a monster. And I feel guilty for trying to be happy.
It's hard to say this, but I do want to move on. I want to be happy and not feel bad for doing so.
But as soon as I do start to feel happy, I remember that my baby sister is dead. That her soul is no longer here with us. That I won't be seeing her for a very long time. And that she is never going to be physically here with me.
Once I have had a few good days and think I'm doing well, the depression and sadness come back. Grief is a never ending cycle of hell. Just as soon as you think you're doing well, something or someone reminds you of your new reality that you have to live in. And the people who are no longer in your life. The people who were your entire happiness.
I hate all of this. I get so angry and pissed off about this new reality, new life, full of changes. I am not a fan and I do not support it.
November 11, 2015 was the last day I even talked to Ash, 2 days later... she died. The last thing we talked about was getting tattoos together.. I didn't even say that I loved her that day.. or even 2 days before that. I was so caught up in finding a guy who would love me or someone to show me love that I forgot to pay attention to the person who needed the love more than me. I was so selfish. And I look back at the last 5 or so years... and I have always been this way. Leaving my family behind, not involving them in my life...
Because I was caught up with dating "the right guy". So unbelievably twitter-patted. I was a terrible sister. I was never there when they needed me most. Because I was living MY life. I was so incased in boys than the more important people in my life. And now, one of those people are gone. And what do I have to show for it?
A broken heart.
A broken spirit.
and a broken mind.
I have learned some really hard lessons the last 3 months.
I have lost the "love of my life".
I have lost hope and dreams.
But worst of all... I have lost a sister.
I now live with low expectations and low hopes for other humans.
I don't trust easily.
And I feel very angry a lot of the time.
I have a long ways to go. In order to return to my "normal" self. I'm not asking for anyone to go through this journey with me. The only thing I need is patience.. and time. Because living this life, this new life is difficult and very frustrating. I don't know what I want, I don't know what I need and I don't know who I am.
So, I'm going to be changing my mind... a lot. And I don't need to explain myself to any one.
Most importantly, I don't need a guy this time. All I need is friends. My family. A support group.
and Understanding. Understanding that this is a big change and challenge. I may be doing well some days, and I may feel completely hopeless other days.
So bare with me.
This is my life now.
All I feel is heartache, sadness, anger, and guilt.
Every time I look at one of her pictures, I feel like I need to rip my heart out because living without her is too much to handle at times. As well as I don't deserve to be here... She does. I hate that I have this feeling, it makes me feel like a monster. And I feel guilty for trying to be happy.
It's hard to say this, but I do want to move on. I want to be happy and not feel bad for doing so.
But as soon as I do start to feel happy, I remember that my baby sister is dead. That her soul is no longer here with us. That I won't be seeing her for a very long time. And that she is never going to be physically here with me.
Once I have had a few good days and think I'm doing well, the depression and sadness come back. Grief is a never ending cycle of hell. Just as soon as you think you're doing well, something or someone reminds you of your new reality that you have to live in. And the people who are no longer in your life. The people who were your entire happiness.
I hate all of this. I get so angry and pissed off about this new reality, new life, full of changes. I am not a fan and I do not support it.
November 11, 2015 was the last day I even talked to Ash, 2 days later... she died. The last thing we talked about was getting tattoos together.. I didn't even say that I loved her that day.. or even 2 days before that. I was so caught up in finding a guy who would love me or someone to show me love that I forgot to pay attention to the person who needed the love more than me. I was so selfish. And I look back at the last 5 or so years... and I have always been this way. Leaving my family behind, not involving them in my life...
Because I was caught up with dating "the right guy". So unbelievably twitter-patted. I was a terrible sister. I was never there when they needed me most. Because I was living MY life. I was so incased in boys than the more important people in my life. And now, one of those people are gone. And what do I have to show for it?
A broken heart.
A broken spirit.
and a broken mind.
I have learned some really hard lessons the last 3 months.
I have lost the "love of my life".
I have lost hope and dreams.
But worst of all... I have lost a sister.
I now live with low expectations and low hopes for other humans.
I don't trust easily.
And I feel very angry a lot of the time.
I have a long ways to go. In order to return to my "normal" self. I'm not asking for anyone to go through this journey with me. The only thing I need is patience.. and time. Because living this life, this new life is difficult and very frustrating. I don't know what I want, I don't know what I need and I don't know who I am.
So, I'm going to be changing my mind... a lot. And I don't need to explain myself to any one.
Most importantly, I don't need a guy this time. All I need is friends. My family. A support group.
and Understanding. Understanding that this is a big change and challenge. I may be doing well some days, and I may feel completely hopeless other days.
So bare with me.
This is my life now.
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