How Do I Live This New Life?
So, 2015 wasn't the best year. A lot of shit happened. A lot of bad shit.... a few good shits here and there. But mostly bad.
Two really obvious ones that I've mentioned before. "The breakup" and Ashley's unexpected death. Whoever reads these are probably thinking, "Oh, here she goes again." And guess what, you're RIGHT! Winner! You may want to leave now rather than wasting your time reading this unhappy nonsense.
Nevertheless, these two major events has left my life a complete mess and total disaster, and I am having issues coping with it. So you can choose to continue to read these or move on to a more happier form of reading. Because, I am coping.
READER DISCRETION: This is not happy. Forewarning...
After "The Breakup", I was pissed. Pissed, because he led me on for 4 1/2 years, letting me think that our love would lead to marriage. That our time spent together had really meant something than just "dating". That I had finally found the one. A guy who wasn't like the others. Someone who understood me. Someone who accepted me for me, flaws included. So, like every girl who gets all giddy and stupid over love... I made plans. (In my mind of course) But I had a plan. I had thoughts and dreams of what our relationship would lead to "when the time was right". I made a stupid Pinterest board of "Our Future Wedding". We talked about kids, a home, where we wanted to settle down at. We had a plan. Little did I know, none of this was his plan. None of it. Not with me anyway. And he never ever had the decency to let me know...
To complicate things even worse, there was always this little thought in the back of my mind telling me to not get my hopes up, that marrying a doctor wasn't for me. But I wanted to prove everyone wrong. I wanted to show people that I could do this. Of course when everything is going absolutely perfect... you tend to ignore that little spark of doubt. Because our love just made sense! It made absolute and perfect sense! And boy was I wrong! You may think I am a little bitter about the whole thing... But I feel like I have a right to be... 4 1/2 years! Really?! It's not something that is easy to let go and get over.
So, the weekend after this fiasco ended; I came home. Drove 2 1/2 hours to Roosevelt freaking, Utah. And Ash was here to comfort me. To tell me that it would be ok. My baby sister was the one I turned to when my life turned upside down after the breakup. And I knew that she was right. That I would find someone who appreciated me and loved me the way I needed to be loved. I had hope. I had decided that I was going to put myself first. I was going to live my life for me and do things for myself instead of pleasing everyone else, especially a boy. So, I let it go, let that love go. I thought I was doing fine, I had just a few weeks of school left and then I could spend as much time with my family as I wanted.
It wasn't even 2 weeks later that Ashley's accident happened.
After the breakup, I thought that was going to be the most painful and emotional heart break that I would have to go through... Well jokes on me. Learning of Ashley's accident, I could feel my heart breaking. Being crushed. Torn to pieces. And the pain... Something that I do not wish on anyone. It was so excruciating... I couldn't even breathe. I thought my world was completely ruined after my breakup with the man of my dreams... No. Losing my sister to a fatal accident was 100x worse. Trying to imagine a life without her was so painful. So completely and utterly painful. And to put the icing on the cake... the one other person that I always turned to for help or advice or comfort decided that I wasn't going to be part of his life anymore.
I was lost for words. Lost for thoughts. Just lost. I had no one.
So this is my life. There are no plans. I don't make plans anymore. Where do I see myself in 5 years? Who the hell knows. I don't center my world around anyone else. I don't know what I am doing. I'm living from day to day. I may change my mind about things, and if I do; I don't feel like I need to give explanation or say sorry. I don't know how to live this new life. I don't know where it's going and I don't know who is going to be in it. I just don't know and that's the best I can do right now. I don't know what makes me happy. I don't know my favorite songs or movies or anything anymore. I just don't know.
I thought I liked doing all of the outdoor hobbies that I've done. I thought I liked watching hockey and football. I thought I liked beer and alcohol. I also thought I had a plan.
I don't even know anymore. I don't know who I am. I don't know how to live this different life. The life that I didn't plan for... the one without instructions.
So this is me. Learning to live a life that was never planned for. Learning to love. Learning to trust. Learning to be happy. And damnit! I'm going to change my mind. I'm going to make mistakes. And I'm going to do this one day at a time. And I don't have to say sorry for doing so.
As far as I know, this is how you learn to live a new life. Because no one plans for this and you just have to wing it.
Two really obvious ones that I've mentioned before. "The breakup" and Ashley's unexpected death. Whoever reads these are probably thinking, "Oh, here she goes again." And guess what, you're RIGHT! Winner! You may want to leave now rather than wasting your time reading this unhappy nonsense.
Nevertheless, these two major events has left my life a complete mess and total disaster, and I am having issues coping with it. So you can choose to continue to read these or move on to a more happier form of reading. Because, I am coping.
READER DISCRETION: This is not happy. Forewarning...
After "The Breakup", I was pissed. Pissed, because he led me on for 4 1/2 years, letting me think that our love would lead to marriage. That our time spent together had really meant something than just "dating". That I had finally found the one. A guy who wasn't like the others. Someone who understood me. Someone who accepted me for me, flaws included. So, like every girl who gets all giddy and stupid over love... I made plans. (In my mind of course) But I had a plan. I had thoughts and dreams of what our relationship would lead to "when the time was right". I made a stupid Pinterest board of "Our Future Wedding". We talked about kids, a home, where we wanted to settle down at. We had a plan. Little did I know, none of this was his plan. None of it. Not with me anyway. And he never ever had the decency to let me know...
To complicate things even worse, there was always this little thought in the back of my mind telling me to not get my hopes up, that marrying a doctor wasn't for me. But I wanted to prove everyone wrong. I wanted to show people that I could do this. Of course when everything is going absolutely perfect... you tend to ignore that little spark of doubt. Because our love just made sense! It made absolute and perfect sense! And boy was I wrong! You may think I am a little bitter about the whole thing... But I feel like I have a right to be... 4 1/2 years! Really?! It's not something that is easy to let go and get over.
So, the weekend after this fiasco ended; I came home. Drove 2 1/2 hours to Roosevelt freaking, Utah. And Ash was here to comfort me. To tell me that it would be ok. My baby sister was the one I turned to when my life turned upside down after the breakup. And I knew that she was right. That I would find someone who appreciated me and loved me the way I needed to be loved. I had hope. I had decided that I was going to put myself first. I was going to live my life for me and do things for myself instead of pleasing everyone else, especially a boy. So, I let it go, let that love go. I thought I was doing fine, I had just a few weeks of school left and then I could spend as much time with my family as I wanted.
It wasn't even 2 weeks later that Ashley's accident happened.
After the breakup, I thought that was going to be the most painful and emotional heart break that I would have to go through... Well jokes on me. Learning of Ashley's accident, I could feel my heart breaking. Being crushed. Torn to pieces. And the pain... Something that I do not wish on anyone. It was so excruciating... I couldn't even breathe. I thought my world was completely ruined after my breakup with the man of my dreams... No. Losing my sister to a fatal accident was 100x worse. Trying to imagine a life without her was so painful. So completely and utterly painful. And to put the icing on the cake... the one other person that I always turned to for help or advice or comfort decided that I wasn't going to be part of his life anymore.
I was lost for words. Lost for thoughts. Just lost. I had no one.
So this is my life. There are no plans. I don't make plans anymore. Where do I see myself in 5 years? Who the hell knows. I don't center my world around anyone else. I don't know what I am doing. I'm living from day to day. I may change my mind about things, and if I do; I don't feel like I need to give explanation or say sorry. I don't know how to live this new life. I don't know where it's going and I don't know who is going to be in it. I just don't know and that's the best I can do right now. I don't know what makes me happy. I don't know my favorite songs or movies or anything anymore. I just don't know.
I thought I liked doing all of the outdoor hobbies that I've done. I thought I liked watching hockey and football. I thought I liked beer and alcohol. I also thought I had a plan.
I don't even know anymore. I don't know who I am. I don't know how to live this different life. The life that I didn't plan for... the one without instructions.
So this is me. Learning to live a life that was never planned for. Learning to love. Learning to trust. Learning to be happy. And damnit! I'm going to change my mind. I'm going to make mistakes. And I'm going to do this one day at a time. And I don't have to say sorry for doing so.
As far as I know, this is how you learn to live a new life. Because no one plans for this and you just have to wing it.
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