You Are My Sunshine!

As many of you know, the last few weeks I have been living in Roosevelt alone. It's been really hard and there have been times that I have been really lonely. But never have I once felt scared to be alone.

There are a few people that say our house here is creepy and makes a lot of noise. My family and I joke that it's just Ashley wanting to be part of everything and so random noises happen because of her.

The last couple of months have been kind of life changing for me. I have been able to guide and direct my emotions from negativity to a more positive outlook. So when it comes to memories of Ash, instead of crying because I'm sad; I cry because I am so happy.

Now that may sound a little weird, I'm not happy that she is gone. I miss her every single day. But I am happy because she made me happy. She made her friends happy and she was happy!

Oh my gosh that girl! And the things she would say and some of the shit she would do! If only some of you knew ;) The other day I spent at least an hour going through pictures and videos of her. And all I could do was laugh! I miss her so damn much! But, I am able to laugh and be happy now because she lived an amazing life!

The crazy thing about being "alone"... is that I'm really not alone. I have felt her with me. I think the thing I miss the most is being able to PHYSICALLY see her and hug her. The other day I was folding laundry (that I have been neglecting for 2 weeks now) and listening to music. And I swear out of the corner of my eye, I saw her leaning against the shelf just watching me. This is something that she would totally do too.

She would stand there and lean on something while you were doing what you were doing and just talk to you. (Every chance she got, she would talk your ear off!) I haven't told anyone this yet... because some people may not think that it was really her... I have had other experiences too... I'll be sitting on the couch and I swear I see a flash of blonde hair out of the corner of my eye. Now who's to say that this isn't just light coming through the window.

Trust me, I've thought about this a million times; actually every time it happens. But it's been happening more lately. Especially since I've been alone. And I can't help but think that she is making sure that I am ok.

Because normally... I don't do well on my own and being alone. And I think she knows that.

She was always making sure everyone was ok. Even kids at school who didn't have very many friends. She would make sure that they knew they always had someone to talk to. She went out of her way to do this. She had a huge heart, full of love for everyone she came into contact with, even opponents.

She would always tell me about a specific team she played and lost to, but she never put the other girl down. That's not what athletes do, they respect the other person. Although it's frustrating as hell that they played better than you at the time. And she was a perfect example of this.

It's taken me almost 9 months to get this point. Yeah, I wish she were here still. I wish I could see her live her adult life and attend college. There isn't a day that goes by that I wish she were still alive.

Her spirit and soul is still with us though! She hasn't left us and forgotten us at all. She is still here, just not the way we wish she were.

Even if it is just light beams coming through the window and bouncing off the walls, or even a car passing by and the sun hitting the windshield.

I gonna say it is Ash. Keeping an eye on everyone and making sure they're okay. Because I know that she misses us just as much as we miss her.

She is our Sunshine <3