Everyone has Attitude, but is it Good?

With everything that has happened in my life the last 9 months, it is hard to not feel anger at certain people or pissed off at a "higher being" for taking my sister away from me and my family. Over the years I have struggled with my "belief system" or "religion" because of one thing that no one really knows about... and that is death.

Death is my biggest fear. It is the most unknown and uncertain thing that we face. I know there are a lot of faiths that have explanations and beliefs and... "faith" that there is a "plan". But it isn't solid. I can't lean on faith to know everything will be ok, the only thing I have is hope. Hope is what carries me through every day. Hope is what I lean on. Hope is my belief right now.

I'm not going into detail on this subject, but with facing my biggest fear and not knowing anything about how Ashley is doing; scares the shit out of me. Every thing we do in our lives could never prepare us for such a traumatic event. We don't get a "how to" guide or manual on life. We get thrown into these situations unprepared and unknowing of how to hang on.

I also carry a lot of anger towards the person who I thought was "my person", or my "best friend"... I try not to focus on the hatred of certain actions, but some days just really get to you. I know he won't read this because we don't talk. And if you do read this, these are words I wished I could say to you, but I can't... But for what it's worth, I will say thank you. Thank you for letting me go, thank you for breaking my heart, and thank you for making me realize what I really want or don't want in my future husband.




I have learned a lot about myself these last few months. And other than the tragic death of my sister, I am pretty damn happy with my life. And guess what?! I've been doing it on my own. I have learned independence, I have learned strength and I have learned to love myself first.

Loving yourself. Now that might sound a little self-centered and selfish. But to love yourself is to know yourself. And when you are able to do that, you are able to open your heart to someone and love them. It's kind of a fantastic thing. :) It makes me excited and gives me hope that I will find someone who can love me.

In my past "romantic" relationships, I always put the other person first. I did whatever I could to make them happy, to entertain them, and to be a part of their lives. All this effort was for naught. And I lost sight of the things that made ME happy, the things that I loved to do and the people that should be in MY life. I stopped doing things that I enjoyed... and this isn't how you should live your life.

I apologize if I'm rambling. But what I guess I'm trying to show is how far I've come. Learning to let go of anger, regret, hate, and all negative emotions is a difficult thing to do. Also learning to be independent. This is so hard! But it is achievable, of course it's really nice to have someone to do things with, but it also feels good to do things on your own sometimes.

Life can be tough, and at times it feels like it is 24/7. A friend once gave me a poem about ATTITUDE. This really changed my perspective on life. It helped me get through a very difficult time when I failed out of the PTA program in 2014 and thought that I would have to start my college career over. However, I didn't let my failures or BAD attitude get in my way of succeeding though. And to see how far I've come and the success I've had, really makes me happy and smile.

Life, people, failures, job loss, death.... all of these things can get in the way and cloud our vision of what makes us truly happy. Sometimes you have to take a step back and look at the big picture and see that it isn't all bad. There are days where you don't think that you'll make it to the next... I've been there. But just keep picking up your feet and move forward.

It helps to take it one day at a time until you get a chance to re-evaluate your life and see how good it really is. Look around and realize how much love and support you have.

And in writing this, it doesn't mean that I've moved on from Ashley's death or forgotten her. I'm just living my life the way she would want me to. I'm living my life with the memories of her laughter, her smile, her stubbornness, her determination and the self-less love that she had for everyone around her.