Silently Suffering
Every day is a new day.
But with each passing day, is one more day I am learning to live with your absence.
4 months, 9 days and about an hour since your accident.
I am not moving on.
I am not forgetting what happened.
And I'm not living without you.
Just living with your absence.
When I get to thinking, I remember that when I come home from Salt Lake... you won't be here. You won't be greeting me at the door and tackling me with hugs while I have my hands full of my stuff and have to pee extremely badly. You won't be asking me about college and excitedly telling me about tennis and softball, and you won't be walking down the side walk with me talking about life and swinging on the swings.
That is my last memory of you. The last day that I was able to spend time with you. The last day that I got to hug you, and the last day I got to tell you that I loved you.
I was so proud of you Ash. You have accomplished so much in high school! You were so much more motivated than I ever was. You had several colleges wanting you! And you had so many people love you.
Looking through pictures of you. Seeing the happiness you brought to everyone and the smile you always had makes me miss you so much. You're an amazing person.
It took me 3 days to write this. The first day I just couldn't take it. The pain and sorrow that cuts right through to the bone becomes so unbearable, that I have to walk away. I have to stop looking at pictures and I have to stop writing. Only to catch my breath because of the tears and pain that take over.
I have never had something control me so much.
Emotions.
These grieving emotions are so overwhelmingly strong and out of control that you can't fight it.
They just take over.
And there is no way to prepare for them.
They just come and when they do... the fight is over. And you just cry.
And cry. And if you're lucky... cry yourself to sleep.
If you're not, that's when the suffering comes.
I would never wish this pain on my worst enemies. No one deserves to hurt this much.
Fighting the internal torment is so exhausting.
But it's something that you cannot let another human witness.
And so
you suffer silently.
And alone.
Everyone always say that they are here for you.
But, to be here when a breakdown comes... I'm not sure anyone could handle it.
I can't even handle it. You would be scared away thinking, "what is this creature?!"
I wish I had someone that could handle it. Or at least understand. Someone who could wrap their arms around me and just hold me...
Seriously though.
You're left breathless.
Completely and utterly in disbelief and numb.
And then you think back to what caused this to happen.
Remembering you.
Remembering your absence.
And remembering that I have to live with this.
The grieving cycle is never-ending. There is no end in sight.
It's been 4 months. Wait till it's 4 years...
Everything will be the same.
The disbelief
The denial
The bargaining
The guilt
The anger
The depression
And maybe one day: acceptance... or even hope.
Whatever that means.
But with each passing day, is one more day I am learning to live with your absence.
4 months, 9 days and about an hour since your accident.
I am not moving on.
I am not forgetting what happened.
And I'm not living without you.
Just living with your absence.
When I get to thinking, I remember that when I come home from Salt Lake... you won't be here. You won't be greeting me at the door and tackling me with hugs while I have my hands full of my stuff and have to pee extremely badly. You won't be asking me about college and excitedly telling me about tennis and softball, and you won't be walking down the side walk with me talking about life and swinging on the swings.
That is my last memory of you. The last day that I was able to spend time with you. The last day that I got to hug you, and the last day I got to tell you that I loved you.
I was so proud of you Ash. You have accomplished so much in high school! You were so much more motivated than I ever was. You had several colleges wanting you! And you had so many people love you.
Looking through pictures of you. Seeing the happiness you brought to everyone and the smile you always had makes me miss you so much. You're an amazing person.
It took me 3 days to write this. The first day I just couldn't take it. The pain and sorrow that cuts right through to the bone becomes so unbearable, that I have to walk away. I have to stop looking at pictures and I have to stop writing. Only to catch my breath because of the tears and pain that take over.
I have never had something control me so much.
Emotions.
These grieving emotions are so overwhelmingly strong and out of control that you can't fight it.
They just take over.
And there is no way to prepare for them.
They just come and when they do... the fight is over. And you just cry.
And cry. And if you're lucky... cry yourself to sleep.
If you're not, that's when the suffering comes.
I would never wish this pain on my worst enemies. No one deserves to hurt this much.
Fighting the internal torment is so exhausting.
But it's something that you cannot let another human witness.
And so
you suffer silently.
And alone.
Everyone always say that they are here for you.
But, to be here when a breakdown comes... I'm not sure anyone could handle it.
I can't even handle it. You would be scared away thinking, "what is this creature?!"
I wish I had someone that could handle it. Or at least understand. Someone who could wrap their arms around me and just hold me...
Seriously though.
You're left breathless.
Completely and utterly in disbelief and numb.
And then you think back to what caused this to happen.
Remembering you.
Remembering your absence.
And remembering that I have to live with this.
The grieving cycle is never-ending. There is no end in sight.
It's been 4 months. Wait till it's 4 years...
Everything will be the same.
The disbelief
The denial
The bargaining
The guilt
The anger
The depression
And maybe one day: acceptance... or even hope.
Whatever that means.
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