Abandonment and Anxiety...
What I am about to write, has been on my mind for about 2 weeks now. I tend to try to push negative thoughts out and look for the positive. But sometimes, reality is more real than the fantasy we tend to live in.
I try not to be too public about personal things and my life, however I have to get my thoughts out somehow and writing is the best way. Because I can say anything that I need to and leave it up to the reader to whether or not they really want to know what I say or think.
Two and half years ago, as most know; Ashley was killed in a head on collision. Shortly after, like Oh I don't know... within minutes of her funeral service; our lovely mother aka egg donor decided to skip town. Also meaning, abandoning her 5 other living daughters to figure out how to live with this new trauma of losing a sister. This is old news. And I don't say that to shrug away Ash.. but you can't dwell on the past.
Recently, I personally have felt completely abandoned by all forms of parents. Both step and living. And if you guys read this... I apologize, but the truth can be cold and hard.
Yes, I am almost 27 years old. I really can fend for myself. I have great friends and an amazing boyfriend who truly love and care for me. However... nothing can really replace family and the love that comes with those bonds.
With cleaning out the Roosevelt house of everything ( due to selling ), came the conversation of what to do with Ashley's stuff. Yes, I realize that in November... it will have been 3 years... 3 f***ing years of heartache and depression, and complete envelopment of a life I never thought I'd have to face. What to do with her stuff? Donate? Throw away? Keep boxed up?
It's not something that I look forward to, yet I know that it has to be done. However, in a way. It feels like we are throwing her away. Her memories, her being, her existence. Like she was never here...
And the people that I need in my life.. aren't there. A lot of people have parents that are there at a moment's notice, beckon and call.. right? That have some kind of emotional support or something to say. I don't have that. Some may think I am needy. But my life is not the same as yours. My parents haven't been there like I needed. I have gotten used to it, and often have found more support from my boyfriends' parents, friends, even professors and employers.
I truly don't know how to explain or make an excuse for them. But I am really pissed about the lack of support and love that I haven't received. Basically, all of my accomplishments ( Oh I don't know... 6 years of college paid by yours truly) have been acknowledge by a pat on the back.. " Good job, knew you could do it"...
Dear Reader,
You might be thinking... "this poor ungrateful b**ch..." but you just don't know. I have never had a "mother-daughter" relationship. Let alone an adult parent who could truly understand what I have gone through.
Now introducing our second guest... Anxiety. Some know this character and what it does. Some don't. In the last 2 1/2 years, anxiety has been in the spotlight a lot. It comes without notice, without a trigger, in the middle of your workday. I blame my lack of care and love for the development of this guy. He's a real ass. I just want to crawl out of my skin. It's claustrophobic and I don't know how to breathe. My heart races, Every positive thing suddenly turned negative. Questions develop with no answer in sight. How did this happen? Why me? Will it ever go away? How do I function?
I have self diagnosed myself as high-functioning person/individual with depression and anxiety. The fact that I can get through each day is a surprise to me. Because most people with these diseases truly can't do it. And I don't mean that in a negative way... it's the truth. Maybe the fact that I ( in a way) have to be a therapist/counselor for my patients allows me to not reflect on my personal needs and put their's first. Who knows.
Also... guess what Friday is... Yet another Friday 13th... an anniversary of Ashley's death. As She was killed November 13th, 2015.. which just so happens to have been a Friday. Maybe unconsciously my brain knows what day is coming... or maybe Anxiety is being a real buzzkill and has to try to ruin my week.
I don't know. I just shrug my shoulders and keep going.. because really... what choice do I have? I'm stuck here whether I want to be or not. I am just grateful for a loving boyfriend and my sisters because otherwise.. this life would be worthless.
So here you go... another blog. It's either this or an incomprehensible crying Britt who makes no sense.
Peace world..
See ya later.
I try not to be too public about personal things and my life, however I have to get my thoughts out somehow and writing is the best way. Because I can say anything that I need to and leave it up to the reader to whether or not they really want to know what I say or think.
Two and half years ago, as most know; Ashley was killed in a head on collision. Shortly after, like Oh I don't know... within minutes of her funeral service; our lovely mother aka egg donor decided to skip town. Also meaning, abandoning her 5 other living daughters to figure out how to live with this new trauma of losing a sister. This is old news. And I don't say that to shrug away Ash.. but you can't dwell on the past.
Recently, I personally have felt completely abandoned by all forms of parents. Both step and living. And if you guys read this... I apologize, but the truth can be cold and hard.
Yes, I am almost 27 years old. I really can fend for myself. I have great friends and an amazing boyfriend who truly love and care for me. However... nothing can really replace family and the love that comes with those bonds.
With cleaning out the Roosevelt house of everything ( due to selling ), came the conversation of what to do with Ashley's stuff. Yes, I realize that in November... it will have been 3 years... 3 f***ing years of heartache and depression, and complete envelopment of a life I never thought I'd have to face. What to do with her stuff? Donate? Throw away? Keep boxed up?
It's not something that I look forward to, yet I know that it has to be done. However, in a way. It feels like we are throwing her away. Her memories, her being, her existence. Like she was never here...
And the people that I need in my life.. aren't there. A lot of people have parents that are there at a moment's notice, beckon and call.. right? That have some kind of emotional support or something to say. I don't have that. Some may think I am needy. But my life is not the same as yours. My parents haven't been there like I needed. I have gotten used to it, and often have found more support from my boyfriends' parents, friends, even professors and employers.
I truly don't know how to explain or make an excuse for them. But I am really pissed about the lack of support and love that I haven't received. Basically, all of my accomplishments ( Oh I don't know... 6 years of college paid by yours truly) have been acknowledge by a pat on the back.. " Good job, knew you could do it"...
Dear Reader,
You might be thinking... "this poor ungrateful b**ch..." but you just don't know. I have never had a "mother-daughter" relationship. Let alone an adult parent who could truly understand what I have gone through.
Now introducing our second guest... Anxiety. Some know this character and what it does. Some don't. In the last 2 1/2 years, anxiety has been in the spotlight a lot. It comes without notice, without a trigger, in the middle of your workday. I blame my lack of care and love for the development of this guy. He's a real ass. I just want to crawl out of my skin. It's claustrophobic and I don't know how to breathe. My heart races, Every positive thing suddenly turned negative. Questions develop with no answer in sight. How did this happen? Why me? Will it ever go away? How do I function?
I have self diagnosed myself as high-functioning person/individual with depression and anxiety. The fact that I can get through each day is a surprise to me. Because most people with these diseases truly can't do it. And I don't mean that in a negative way... it's the truth. Maybe the fact that I ( in a way) have to be a therapist/counselor for my patients allows me to not reflect on my personal needs and put their's first. Who knows.
Also... guess what Friday is... Yet another Friday 13th... an anniversary of Ashley's death. As She was killed November 13th, 2015.. which just so happens to have been a Friday. Maybe unconsciously my brain knows what day is coming... or maybe Anxiety is being a real buzzkill and has to try to ruin my week.
I don't know. I just shrug my shoulders and keep going.. because really... what choice do I have? I'm stuck here whether I want to be or not. I am just grateful for a loving boyfriend and my sisters because otherwise.. this life would be worthless.
So here you go... another blog. It's either this or an incomprehensible crying Britt who makes no sense.
Peace world..
See ya later.
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