PTSD, Depression, and Suicidal Ideations?
Over the last couple years... I've been called "strong". Growing up in a broken family, with a drug addicted mother, let downs, and more recently; several deaths in the family and also that of a very close friend. When faced with these situations, you really don't have much of a choice other than to keep breathing and surviving.
My sisters and I don't really agree with this, the fact that people refer to us as strong; because our entire lives we have been faced with trials, heartache, and constant disappointment from a mother who could never really love us the way we needed her.
While meeting with my doctor today and explaining to her why I am the way I am and what I have gone through the last couple years; another word came up: Resilient.
Resilient: able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions.
To me, this word clearly and accurately describes what it means to survive so many traumatic events.
Meeting with my doctor was supposed to be talking about my health, however it quickly switched gears to, "How are you really doing?" So... I unleashed. Finally, I had someone who was willing to set aside time to hear me out. She asked very little questions and allowed me to speak my mind. And I was even able to open up about the most recent death of my high school boyfriend and the reality of facing suicidal thoughts and ideations.
People tend to turn to instant panic when they hear that word... "suicidal". Well, guess what... it's real. Do I want to end my life? NO. Do I suffer from depression? YES. Have I had suicidal thoughts? YES. Does it scare me? YES. Would I consider the events in my life as causing PTSD? I think so. Am I happy with my life? For the most part, YES.
This is what it's like to live with Depression. It is a disease, and it gets so overlooked. If anyone reads this, you might feel the need to have the suicide hotline ready to dial, but I am okay.
I could never end my life, and it is not something that would take away the pain and suffering that I have endured. I am surrounded by amazing friends and family who have been such a great support system and making sure that I am ok. I may not say it enough, but I am truly grateful. I am not one to ask for help, I am stubborn, and tend to believe that I can do everything on my own. So don't think that your words, texts, and phone calls go unnoticed. They save me.
Sometimes that's what we need though... is saving. Very rarely though does it happen. Unless someone has been through or witnessed similar events. Set aside the "It's going to be okay", or "It gets better" bullshit. That's not what someone in my situation wants to hear; because, how can you promise that?
Now days we are ran by a world that has turned us into robots, and we often run on autopilot. And, rather than looking to each other for help; we turn to social media; outcry's publicly. Because we have forgotten what it's like to turn to another human face to face to solve our problems and finding solutions on how to get through these tough times.
Here's a question for you to consider: When was the last time you said "I love you!" And truly, deeply meant it? Yeah we get off the phone with our parents, or siblings and automatically it escapes our mouth. But, did you truly mean it? Have you ever thought that you might not see that person again? Have you ever thought that the last time you would see your high school sweetheart would be two years ago at your own sister's funeral? Or the last time you talked to your sister before she died, was two days through a text, and 6 days in person? Stop and think about this.
What does life mean to you?
Is it:
My sisters and I don't really agree with this, the fact that people refer to us as strong; because our entire lives we have been faced with trials, heartache, and constant disappointment from a mother who could never really love us the way we needed her.
While meeting with my doctor today and explaining to her why I am the way I am and what I have gone through the last couple years; another word came up: Resilient.
Resilient: able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions.
To me, this word clearly and accurately describes what it means to survive so many traumatic events.
Meeting with my doctor was supposed to be talking about my health, however it quickly switched gears to, "How are you really doing?" So... I unleashed. Finally, I had someone who was willing to set aside time to hear me out. She asked very little questions and allowed me to speak my mind. And I was even able to open up about the most recent death of my high school boyfriend and the reality of facing suicidal thoughts and ideations.
People tend to turn to instant panic when they hear that word... "suicidal". Well, guess what... it's real. Do I want to end my life? NO. Do I suffer from depression? YES. Have I had suicidal thoughts? YES. Does it scare me? YES. Would I consider the events in my life as causing PTSD? I think so. Am I happy with my life? For the most part, YES.
This is what it's like to live with Depression. It is a disease, and it gets so overlooked. If anyone reads this, you might feel the need to have the suicide hotline ready to dial, but I am okay.
I could never end my life, and it is not something that would take away the pain and suffering that I have endured. I am surrounded by amazing friends and family who have been such a great support system and making sure that I am ok. I may not say it enough, but I am truly grateful. I am not one to ask for help, I am stubborn, and tend to believe that I can do everything on my own. So don't think that your words, texts, and phone calls go unnoticed. They save me.
Sometimes that's what we need though... is saving. Very rarely though does it happen. Unless someone has been through or witnessed similar events. Set aside the "It's going to be okay", or "It gets better" bullshit. That's not what someone in my situation wants to hear; because, how can you promise that?
Now days we are ran by a world that has turned us into robots, and we often run on autopilot. And, rather than looking to each other for help; we turn to social media; outcry's publicly. Because we have forgotten what it's like to turn to another human face to face to solve our problems and finding solutions on how to get through these tough times.
Here's a question for you to consider: When was the last time you said "I love you!" And truly, deeply meant it? Yeah we get off the phone with our parents, or siblings and automatically it escapes our mouth. But, did you truly mean it? Have you ever thought that you might not see that person again? Have you ever thought that the last time you would see your high school sweetheart would be two years ago at your own sister's funeral? Or the last time you talked to your sister before she died, was two days through a text, and 6 days in person? Stop and think about this.
What does life mean to you?
Is it:
- Getting drunk on the weekends and repeating this routine
- Working a 9-5 job and never accomplishing your dreams
- Settling for a boyfriend/girlfriend because it's convenient
- Living paycheck to paycheck....
- or even losing touch with your best friends, because life is "busy"
Is that really living, and are you honestly happy?
If so, great.
If not, then change it. Change your life. You are the sole person in control of it.
And the biggest life lesson that I have learned: Live YOUR life. Find YOURSELF. And what it means to be YOU. Do what makes YOU happy.
I learned this... and have lost sight of it. I have lost myself... working the "9-5 job", settling for life as it is and not making it better when I can.
And that is where we make full circle...
Yes, people may think I am strong because of the things that I have lived through. Because they can't truly relate. And I never wish that upon anyone. I suffer from PTSD, Depression, and Suicidal Ideations.
But I am resilient, and I refuse to give up.
There is so much more to life.
All I can ask of anyone who reads this: Please don't take life for granted. Cherish every moment that you live and are breathing, the time you spend with your family and friends; no matter how annoying they might be.
And most of all....
NEVER GIVE UP.
<3
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