To: The "Mother Ship"
I often wonder where you are, what you're thinking, and if you miss us. Do you regret leaving the way you did? Do you want to know how we are all doing and how the hell we are surviving this life? I try not to think about you, it's a lot easier that way. Rather than wishing, hoping, and praying that you could have been this completely different person who actually wanted her kids in her life. Who actually wanted to give us life advice: dating guys, becoming a woman, going to college, choosing a career, getting married, having kids... losing a sister...
I can't wrap my head around your actions... sometimes I wonder why the hell would you bring each of us into this world... just to turn around and leave us all when things for you got hard. Well no thanks to you: my whole life has been hard. I try not to let it define me, but how can I not? I am the person I am because of the shit you put me through, the lies, the manipulations, the violence; both emotional and physical.
People call me strong. But what choice did I have if I was going to survive this life? If I was actually going to lead a different life than the one you showed me NOT to live. I try so hard not to hold grudges against you, but there are times that it's impossible not to... I am broken inside: constantly having trust issues, allowing myself to love, believing that I have a purpose in this life, and having the reassurance that when things get tough; it will all be okay.
Do you know, we have never had a mother-daughter relationship? Do you even know what that means? Usually, mothers take their daughters shopping, get manicures and pedicures, talk about all those adolescent feelings for boys and the crush you had in the 9th grade, starting your period... Instead, you always asked us for money: money for gas, money for food, money for bills, money to take care of our younger sister... See instead of giving to us; you've always taken... Taken our childhood away from us and forced us into situations that normal kids could never dream of at the ages we were.
I remember being at a party with you and all your friends... I think I was in the 3rd grade... and you gave me a drink of your wine cooler, do you remember that? I was 9 or 10... and slowly, you were taking my innocence from me. And from there, it only got worse. Bad enough that you had us around drugs... and a couple of my sisters were born with drugs in their poor innocent bodies. You made choices for them before they could even breathe.
And you wonder why we don't want you to be part of our lives? I tried putting some of this into words earlier... and the thought of hearing myself speak these things broke me down. I know that there are kids out there that have it much worse, and who haven't been able to be saved from these lifestyles. More often than not: they fall into the same habits that they saw and were taught.
You know, I have tried to be up front and honest with you. I thought that if I was blunt and told you how I felt, and all the hurt you put me through; that you might feel bad and really try to fix things. But each time, no matter how much hurt I try to throw at you to make you feel all of the emotions you have made me feel, you still just don't get it. And I don't think that you ever will. You don't have the ability to put someone before yourself... not even your 6 beautiful, talented, strong-willed girls, who have learned to survive life without a mother.
But you're not mother. Just simply an egg donor that was forced into motherhood, never knowing what it took to be a mom; because you're own mother treated you just as you treated us. So, that's what you knew and that's what you did. I try to allow myself to give you a pass with the thought that you didn't have a choice. But that's where we're both wrong. You always have a choice. You may choose what you know, the easy way out; that doesn't require much work. Or, you can choose the hard way; the path that will give you a second chance at life, the one that will bring you away from what you know and have the chance to make something of yourself. Rather than follow the footsteps of your awful parents.
I've been told that I need to respect my mother, she was the woman who gave birth to me... Well, that's it though... she will only be known at the woman who gave birth to me, and for that; I am thankful for. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here. But you don't deserve forgiveness, you don't deserve a "PASS"... or even recognition for the women that your daughters have become. You didn't help us.. ever, and you don't get to revel in our accomplishments.
So for that,
Thank you for being my egg donor.
Yes, these are harsh words; but this is how I cope with the fact that you have never gave a shit about my sisters and I.
I can't wrap my head around your actions... sometimes I wonder why the hell would you bring each of us into this world... just to turn around and leave us all when things for you got hard. Well no thanks to you: my whole life has been hard. I try not to let it define me, but how can I not? I am the person I am because of the shit you put me through, the lies, the manipulations, the violence; both emotional and physical.
People call me strong. But what choice did I have if I was going to survive this life? If I was actually going to lead a different life than the one you showed me NOT to live. I try so hard not to hold grudges against you, but there are times that it's impossible not to... I am broken inside: constantly having trust issues, allowing myself to love, believing that I have a purpose in this life, and having the reassurance that when things get tough; it will all be okay.
Do you know, we have never had a mother-daughter relationship? Do you even know what that means? Usually, mothers take their daughters shopping, get manicures and pedicures, talk about all those adolescent feelings for boys and the crush you had in the 9th grade, starting your period... Instead, you always asked us for money: money for gas, money for food, money for bills, money to take care of our younger sister... See instead of giving to us; you've always taken... Taken our childhood away from us and forced us into situations that normal kids could never dream of at the ages we were.
I remember being at a party with you and all your friends... I think I was in the 3rd grade... and you gave me a drink of your wine cooler, do you remember that? I was 9 or 10... and slowly, you were taking my innocence from me. And from there, it only got worse. Bad enough that you had us around drugs... and a couple of my sisters were born with drugs in their poor innocent bodies. You made choices for them before they could even breathe.
And you wonder why we don't want you to be part of our lives? I tried putting some of this into words earlier... and the thought of hearing myself speak these things broke me down. I know that there are kids out there that have it much worse, and who haven't been able to be saved from these lifestyles. More often than not: they fall into the same habits that they saw and were taught.
You know, I have tried to be up front and honest with you. I thought that if I was blunt and told you how I felt, and all the hurt you put me through; that you might feel bad and really try to fix things. But each time, no matter how much hurt I try to throw at you to make you feel all of the emotions you have made me feel, you still just don't get it. And I don't think that you ever will. You don't have the ability to put someone before yourself... not even your 6 beautiful, talented, strong-willed girls, who have learned to survive life without a mother.
But you're not mother. Just simply an egg donor that was forced into motherhood, never knowing what it took to be a mom; because you're own mother treated you just as you treated us. So, that's what you knew and that's what you did. I try to allow myself to give you a pass with the thought that you didn't have a choice. But that's where we're both wrong. You always have a choice. You may choose what you know, the easy way out; that doesn't require much work. Or, you can choose the hard way; the path that will give you a second chance at life, the one that will bring you away from what you know and have the chance to make something of yourself. Rather than follow the footsteps of your awful parents.
I've been told that I need to respect my mother, she was the woman who gave birth to me... Well, that's it though... she will only be known at the woman who gave birth to me, and for that; I am thankful for. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here. But you don't deserve forgiveness, you don't deserve a "PASS"... or even recognition for the women that your daughters have become. You didn't help us.. ever, and you don't get to revel in our accomplishments.
So for that,
Thank you for being my egg donor.
Yes, these are harsh words; but this is how I cope with the fact that you have never gave a shit about my sisters and I.
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