There is A Light Within the Darkness...

A few weeks ago, I was asked why I haven't written any thing lately. My response: " I haven't needed to".  About two weeks ago, on the 8th of October; our family was invited to the Memoriam of Teens Killed on Utah Roads for the year of 2015 hosted by the state of Utah Injury and Prevention and Zero Fatalities program. I automatically assumed that my family would want to go to represent Ashley and tell others about her life. I was wrong. In fact, none of my immediately family wanted to go. At first, I was pissed. But after attending the ceremony and seeing all of the hurt, pain, sadness and tragedy that these other families were also experiencing, I understood. It is very difficult to face the reality that our daughter and sister was killed in an automobile accident as well as at least 9 other families who were in attendance. Also, everyone really does grieve in their own way...

When asked by friends and family how the ceremony went, all I could really say was that it went well; however it was very sad. Realization really hit me once I stood to tell Ashley's story: We were/are not the only families experiencing the loss of a loved one. As other family members stood to talk about their son, daughter, brother or sister; I knew exactly what each of them were feeling. Because at some point over the past year, I have felt one of those emotions. 

Towards the end of October last year, I was thinking that this was the worst year of my life: A deer ran into my car and ruined my driver side door, my boyfriend of almost 5 years and I broke up and I still had to finish school... It wasn't even two weeks after our breakup that Ashley's accident happened. After thinking that the year could'nt have ended worse... it did. And unfortunately a lot of it carried into 2016. So, instead of one bad month... it turned into an entire year of heartache and sadness. 

It wasn't until I stood at that ceremony to share with the crowd the life of Ashley Ilene Hansen, that I finally felt peace. Almost a year has gone by, that I have felt like myself.  Walking out of that ceremony, I felt proud to be the sister of Ashley. Although she is not here and going to college, I know that she is here. I have felt her strength and perseverance to carry on, and with that; I can continue living my life in memory of her. 

I will never "move on", that is just not possible. However, I can move forward in my life, and knowing that I have the best guardian angel I could ever ask for to help guide me through it. People have described me as strong and independent. Sometimes, I have to shake my head at this; because at times, I do not feel like either of these at all. 

Strength: a good or beneficial quality or attribute of a person or thing
Independent: not depending on another for livelihood or subsistence.

So, due to these qualities I posses, I have also grown an intolerance for people stepping in to telling me how I need to move on, how to learn to live again, and how to be happy. I appreciate people who "try to care", and I say try; because the ones who have told me how to do these things, don't really know me. This may sound really bitchy, but it's very frustrating; especially coming from someone who doesn't or hasn't experienced a loss like mine, let alone lived the life I have lived. 

Instead of having friends "telling" me what to do and how to do it, what I need most; is someone who cares. Someone who accepts you for who you are, including the ways you grieve and cope with such a tragedy. I can't have negativity around me, and when people try to push their ways on me, I respond ready to fire. Because, I have had enough people, "ex-boyfriends" tell me what to do with my life and how to do it right. So, without being too forward or "blunt", I don't need advice; what I need the most is love. 

I won't apologize for being independent, stubborn, hard-headed, determined, or a pain in the ass. I am who I am from the life I have lived and the experiences I have had. To be honest, I really do quite feel I have progressed a lot. I haven't felt as depressed or sad. 

To end on a positive note, I have decided to make some major changes in my life. Due to my religious beliefs and the strength and love from my family, I have found where I need to be in life. I am also so grateful for my friends who have given me the love and comfort and strength that I have needed this past year. You know who you are, thank you so much. You're prayers and kind words have really helped bring me back to what I have been missing for the last 5 years. I am grateful to have such a strong family who truly believe in God and Jesus Christ. Without these amazing friends and family of mine and the LDS church, I really don't know where I would be right now. 

Thank you for not giving up on me and believing in me <3