Recovery

So reality hit me last night, I am experiencing depression again. I only really noticed after I had someone ask me how I was really doing, my response; "I'm stressed". But I instantly took that back and the word that I said next was, "I'm depressed". 

It hit hard last night. It was a total shock. I had had one of the best weekends (at least I had thought so) and felt pretty good about everything. That was until I was asked how I was really doing. Then the truth came out. I am depressed. Again. Still? Who knows. 

But after trying to survive work today and attempting to hold myself together so I could focus on my patients; did it really occur to me that I wasn't really happy. 

Over the weekend I had spent time with my siblings doing the things I love: Hiking, rock climbing and more hiking. 

But there is always a piece of me missing. And that piece or part of me is in Heaven. And getting it back will be a lifetime of work, because I won't ever get you back....

Ashley's headstone was put it in this last week, and none of us knew about it. Until I decided to walk over to the cemetery to visit her. The reality and sadness of her death hit all over again. Like it was the morning I received the call from my dad that she was involved in a head on and didn't make it, all over again. 

So all day, running through my mind and trying to figure out how to cope or help myself; I've come up with a few things. 

Step 1 to Recovery: Recognizing you have a problem.

Step 2: Recognizing what the problems is: Depression

Step 3: Getting help to solve the problem: Counseling

Step 4: Having the guts and courage to accept the fact that you can't do everything on your own: Independence (Which could be it's own little problem category) and actually getting the counseling. 

Something was pointed out to me today:

I am Independent. 

I spend time making sure everyone around me is ok. So much time, that I don't know how to help myself.

Through these 10 months of up and down rollercoaster of emotions... I've been coping, surviving, dealing with a lot of this on my own. I don't have an intimate relationship to lean on and help me through this like my sisters do. 

This is not their fault. Just the truth and reality. 

Ashley was my person to lean on after my break-up with my ex. I got through that more easily than I thought I ever would, that's because I had Ash. 

I've tried to keep the kind of attitude she would and did through that process, but it doesn't translate over so easily. 

Break-up < Death of a sibling. 

So in other words, Attitude is not enough to get you through. 

I've been so caught up in keeping my mind distracted physically that I wasn't prepared for the emotional upset of seeing her headstone. My outings and physically exerting activities is not enough. 

Unfortunately, I need more. And without trying to belittle myself, I need help. 

When you get to the point that the things and people who normally make you happy are not enough, is when it's time to seek professional help/counseling. I've been avoiding it to tell you the truth. It scares me to death to accept the fact that I can't do it all. I feel weak, helpless and useless. 

But with depression, comes insomnia, lack of appetite, lack of motivation and a decrease in self-worth. 

I never understood depression before I started experiencing it. I always thought, "How could someone who appears to have everything, be so sad?" or "They're surrounded by friends and family, isn't that enough?"

The answer: No. No, it is not enough.