What is Hope without Faith?

My niece had her farewell this past Sunday. I usually have some kind of adventure planned on weekends and never make it to church. I also have not been very active the past few years and I have a difficult time making my self go. 

But this wasn't for me. I was here to support someone that I love, and someone that I respect. She talked about Faith. Now this is where I have struggled. Faith is a very sensitive, spiritual and overwhelming emotion and belief. And at times, it has been easier for me to just have Hope. 

This is the definition of Faith that I have been taught: Faith is to hope for things which are not seen, but which are true. 

Because I have struggled with my own faith and religious beliefs, I kind of put "faith" out of sight and out of mind. Because it takes a lot to believe it. And I was holding onto Hope alone. 

But according to this definition... "Faith is to Hope for things..." You see, you can't have Faith without Hope. And this concept was brought to my attention this last weekend. 

So of course I have to bring Ashley into this at some point right? Well, this moment was a very difficult one that I went through. And I kind of put it to the back of my mind, because I am not sure how I want to get back into going to church or who this makes me. 

When going through the grieving process, there are a million emotions that you experience. Sometimes all at once, and other times it's only one but x 1000. 

I had a night where I was uncontrollably crying. I was distraught, mad, pissed off, sad, angry and I wanted someone to blame. I thought that there couldn't possibly be anyone who could ever understand all of this hurt and sadness that I was going through. I felt numb and completely heart-broken.

I am probably one of the only ones in my family who has openly cried and been upset about Ashley's accident. Which is fine. I know the rest of my family hurts too, but we all do it in our own way and some in private. There is nothing wrong with that and I'm not saying that my experience with this is any worse than anyone else's. I just have to write about it to get it out of my head. 

Back to the story, I was in the bathroom and just sobbing. I couldn't understand how or why this had happened and why my family and I had to suffer so much. I was looking in the mirror at myself, trying to understand all of this... and one thought came to my mind:

There is someone who understands

There is someone who has been through this much pain (if not more)

And that someone is Jesus. 

He suffered for our sins. 

He experienced every emotion that we could possibly exerpeince in our lives here on Earth.

I have a big brother that knew exactly what I was feeling that night. And knowing that humbled me. It gave me peace. It gave me hope, and it gave me Faith. Faith that everything was going to be alright. Faith that Ashley was ok. And Faith that I would get to see her again. 

I may not show my religious beliefs. 

I may not attend church every week. 

And I am not a perfect human. 

I have made mistakes and I have things that I am working on. 

And I am definitely not perfect in my knowing and understanding of things about the LDS church. 

But what I do know, is that we are never alone. 

No matter how much you are hurting; emotionally, physically and spiritually. There is someone always with you. 

Attending my nieces' farewell on Sunday reminded me of these things; and I was filled with overwhelming Peace, Hope, and Faith. 

I still cry at least once a week. I miss Ashley with all my heart. But I truly believe and know that I will get to see her again. She is with me in spirit everyday. I know this because I am happy and able to continue living my life. 

I apologize if things I have said are not accurate... I am not trying to preach. This is my own understanding of what I am trying to understand about my beliefs.