Regrets, Distractions, and Emptiness

You begin to think you are starting to handle life pretty well, until you realize that you're only hanging on by a thread.

For the past week (now month, since thats how long it's taken me to write this), I've had to gulp down my anxiety that I get when I talk about Ash or when I think about her and her absence, remember that she is not alive.

And I remember how fast my world came crashing down... and that it continued to do so for a couple months. Spiraling out of control and taking a huge freakin nose dive.

I don't want to live the next 50-60 years without you Ash. 6 months has been hell enough. Every day I wish that I could have you back.

It's pretty bad that you have to talk yourself down, to tell yourself to hold it together just to get through work or even when washing your make-up off.

This might sound terrible... but I find I have to tell myself that my sister is dead so that I know this is reality. I don't mean to be morbid... but this is the truth, my reality, my life.

I can't tell you if I have depression... I don't feel like I do, but then days come like this and that's the only thing that makes sense. However, it doesn't occur every day... it's sporadic and random.

Every day I wish for a do-over. To not date someone for 4 years who was going to end up breaking my heart and continue to lead me to believe that this was our fairytale, and take me away from my family.

I would take those 4 1/2 years back in a heartbeat just so I could be with my sisters like I should have been. But those years are gone. There isn't anything to show for them, except experience and knowledge of what not to do... and the memories that don't exist that should have been with my sisters.

I'm living life through distractions. That might sound bad, but this is a good thing; these are things and people that bring joy and light back into my life. I say distractions because they bring me back to who I am. They help me remember that life is great and full of laughter and love. But when I'm not around these people or doing these things, that's when I remember and realize that Ash isn't here:

She didn't graduate last Friday
She wasn't at Kayla's wedding
She wasn't at my graduation
She wasn't there for Christmas or Thanksgiving.

It's hard to understand all of these feelings... and people on the outside might think I'm crazy. I don't know how to explain all of the emotions that come with this kind of "loss"...

But a piece of my heart, my soul and my being is gone. There is an emptiness inside that will never fill. There is a void that can never be replaced. And I am not the same person who I used to be.

Ash is a soul gone, but not forgotten. Her laughter, smile, sassiness, determination, stubbornness, and rambunctious attitude lives through us. That mess or explosion of hair is still something that I'll never forget. The impact that she left on her friends and family will live on. Her bright and cheerful personality is forever stamped on our hearts.

She is the Sun, the Moon, and the Stars.